Who did you hold when you fell to the floor? And will you ever tell me more? Your cast iron hands and your filigree mind have never had much time for my kind. I can rise from the floor and take my leave of here, anytime I want. Just remember, anytime I want.
Tell me of earth, you who have never touched it, but only held it in your mind, an abstract component in one of your filigree spells. And I’ll tell you of words, I who have seldom seen them but as the birds that Donna spoke of, falling without a sound. And maybe somewhere we can touch and find our common symmetry. Or maybe only common disdain. So common, that disdain.
I held out to you a hand full of soil drenched in water. It had the smell of roots, of fallen needles, the beginning of green wood-sorrel. You shouted, drop it, get out, get it out of here! Get my damn mud out of here before it ruins your floor, your house, your clothes, your furniture.
I fell down on the floor to examine the soil. I ran it over my fingers and inhaled the rooty scent. And I could find nothing amiss. Nothing of this mud you spoke of with such disdain.
You were never aware of the power of the words you threw behind you, one scrap, one song, one to sting. Mud, you called it, and suddenly it became filth, and I became filth by association. You never saw a beautiful or useful building constructed of mud, I imagine, nor all the other uses of mud… or the very tone of your voice that tells us all “Mud is beneath me, beneath me, beneath me, Mud is beneath me” would simply not be.
But people heard your words carried on the wind. They do that. Your words ride the wind whether you will them or not. And people hear them, and people change. Your words carried down to someone whose house was made from mud, and when she heard the tone in your voice when you said mud, for the first time she was ashamed. Half ashamed, half defiant, but all unnecessary if you’d kept your disgust to yourself.
My voice is the color of mud, and my skin is the texture of bark. My love has the depth of water, my touch is as soft as mist dancing past trees in the dark.
But right now I feel bone dry, as if my roots can’t push the water far enough into the sky. And there’s haze between me and you. My eyes are like a desert, my kidneys burn in the night while I’m waiting, waiting to put things right.
Can you enter my life without burning me from the inside? Can you steer your way round the curves of my body without looking for all the ways to tell me they’re wrong to exist. Can you?
Or will you just shout at me that I am mud? And with your words, turn that into an insult rather than a thing of beauty?
I want to curl up underneath the mud and show you I can turn into wood-sorrel. Show you that nothing can uproot me, least of all words. And hold my roots in the ground and turn my leaves to the sky and taste how sweet light is and be cradled in the muddy dark.
(Originally written Oct. 12, 2013)
Ballastexistenz 