Monthly Archives: October 2012

I’m out. (I aten’t dead)


It's hard to write the sort of way I write on this blog so it has been hard to write about it here. Because my brain is very unrecovered from everything.


Went in. Got cured of pneumonia. That process was easy and quick for the doctors and long and harsh for me. Especially with the meds upsetting a stomach that had not seen food in weeks.


Which came of interest after they cured the pneumonia. Turns out I have gastroparesis. Partially paralyzed stomach. Hence more nausea and lower appetite over the years. Lost ungodly amounts of weight this time and they noticed finally that I'm burning muscle and his is very bad. Apparently it's likely I got this genetically tied to my mom's autonomic crap. Anyway it makes you empty slowly so you always feel full and a normal amount of food makes you throw up.

So lots of nausea meds later (I was literally one failed med away from a feeding tube being considered) I can now eat… sort of. A certain number of Ensure Pluses a day.

My brain has developed the ability to dream amazing food in amazing detail. So I no longer miss food as acutely. And I'm very happy Ensure exists.

But seriously of all the diseases to give a sort of former emetophobe, this… Gah. Well I already knew it as “chronic nausea”, its just the second hospitalization involving it was what it took for them to notice how bad it was. That and “I haven't eaten anything but broth and half servings of grits in weeks”.


My main problem is since I was there five weeks, my brain functioning isn't great. Started off with full bore delirium, then settled into what I have now. Low grade delirium. Caused by long term hospitalization. (the places cause it, they're perfect environments, think sensory deprivation) So my brain is… Sporadically operational. Continue not to expect much and be pleasantly surprised when much happen. Just still the gastroparesis is fairly severe even if managed, and the brain stuff is bad. I get lost in my own bed. The pneumonia is gone. Yay? That was so long ago now.


I'm very sorry to everyone who contacted me to ask if I was dead. I never intend to create that impression.


Ii have many things to say about what's wrong with hospitals and what hospitals should be more like. But I can't. Except one of them is causing delirium and then not detecting or trying to resolve it except in rare violent cases. Most delirious patients, like me, just lie quietly and you'd never know neon bugs were eating my eyelashes.