A couple new pages here.

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A couple new pages here, since my old site I had them on is acting a little weird.

Why It’s So Hard To Write Directly About My Life

Outposts In Our Heads

Keep in mind that my state of mind these days is not like it was when I wrote either of these things. But I still think they’re important things to have written.

About Mel Baggs

Hufflepuff. Came from the redwoods. Crochet or otherwise create constantly and compulsively. Write poetry and paint when I can. Physically and cognitively disabled. Anything you hear in the media or gossip is likely to be oversimplified at best and wildly inaccurate at worst, the only way to get to know me is to actually know me. I'm not really part of any online faction or another, even ones that claim me as a member. The thing in the world most important to me is having love and compassion for other people, although I don't always measure up to my own standards there by a longshot. And individual specific actions and situations and contexts matter a lot more to me than broadly-spoken abstract words and ideas about a topic. My father died a couple years ago and that has changed my life a lot in ways that are still evolving, but I wear a lot of his clothes and hats every day since he died and have shown no sign of stopping soon.

3 responses »

  1. ” have a recurring nightmare. I am in a beautiful building with a hushed, playful atmosphere. I have been there as long as I can remember. Everything I could possibly need is there. There are no locks on the doors. People follow me everywhere, but just out of sight, to give me the illusion of freedom. They want only the best for me. I can go outside and play in the woods, and I climb trees. And they treat me like a child. Everything is controlled perfectly.”

    I’m trying to understand this a little better:
    I understand the physical things and how they can be harmful.
    I also undrestand people doing things they think are helpful that are really hurtful. I also understand people controlling things and making decisions that are truly bad for you (like your example of not giving you your migrane meds on time). I also understand the confusion of people subtly trying to control and how that can almost be harder (like it would seem easier if they overtly did it almost like how a criminal threatening someone – it is easy to recognize although still scary.) But it seems much more confusing when people use subtle methods.
    But, and I think it is just a misunderstanding of the words, it seems like the situation you describe in the nightmare doesn’t include those things? It seems like they were letting you do whatever you want, just watching? Is that the problem, being watched? I’m thinking not and that it is something deeper that I am just not picking up on from the description in words.

  2. I’m not talking about letting me do whatever I’m want, just watching, I’m talking about setting up an environment for me so that it seems like I’m doing whatever I want but I’m really just doing whatever they want.

  3. Oh, okay. I understand the difference (and why it would seem really scary.) I now know what you mean about it being so complicated. I don’t know that most people would even be able to recognize control of that type (setting up the enviromnent so you are thinking you are doing what you want, but really doing what THEY want.) I have never experienced THAT type of control (that I recognize). I have experienced people subtly trying to make me do what they want (but it was circumstances where I really didn’t like it.) I’m not sure I even would recognize this? Maybe it did happen and I just didn’t know about it?

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